Sex:
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds
of foreplay. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a
part of foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females
can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Groceries:
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things
she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does
not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in
his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then
he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By
the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter
than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this
will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body
is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
should not be seen by the light of day.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will
get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate
the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their
eyes and groan and wait it out.
Bathrooms:
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn .
The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is
437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Going
Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready,
as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes
putting on her makeup.
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet
are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire
day.
Leg
Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for
the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface,
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes
a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and
leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The
Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend
for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend
and they will talk for three hours.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in his house.
Low
Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.
One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee,
that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider
this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions.
Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like,
"Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in
the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
Admitting
Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted
he was wrong was General George Custer. Richard Gere Women like Richard
Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because
he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates
only married women.
Dressing
Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.
Nicknames:
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything
that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
David
Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state
of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking
better pictures.
Locker
Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never
lie.
Laundry:
Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip
about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always
expect to met beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a
myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things
such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's
is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to
campaign for them and cry on election night.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men
talk about "the bachelor party." Cheerleaders Female cheerleaders are
cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary. Socks
Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white
sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds
on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. socks that have
little fuzzy balls on the back.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men
use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.
Movies:
For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy
Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in Public Enemy.
Nudity
in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by
a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard
Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge
singer named Vic.
The
Most Important Difference of All Colored underwear:
Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There
is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
