Good Guessing
It
was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift.
She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.
Some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can
guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched
a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage
to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is
it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
A note of spelling
The
following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling)
to school offices:
*My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
*Please ekscuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear school: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32,and 33.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.
*Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the marines.
*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
A tight question
The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her "What
part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size
during periods of emotion or excitement?"
"I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly
turned her face away.
Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly,
"The pupil of the eye."
"Miss Fenster," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question
leads me to three conclusions.
One: You didn't study last night's assignment.
Two: You have a dirty mind
Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."
School
Daze
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party
instead.
Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor
that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire
and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure
that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate
classrooms to take the exam.
Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain
the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of
cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
Hot
dog dough
A
young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm,"
he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they
have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into
the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy
has a problem.
When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither
talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him
read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got
out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me
and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little
redhead who lives on Oak Street? "
The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
Cheap
at half the price
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this
rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"
Easy
time
While
proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student
led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT
OFF ASSHOLE! It's two AM!"
A
wee bit big
A
group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred
horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet,
one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal.
Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little
boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Good
choice
Two
engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The second
engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."
Letter
Home From School...
Dear
Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
you.
Love, Your $on.
Reply from dad...
Dear
Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
