Sick!!!
A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex
on his old lady.
The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room
319.
He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why
he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down
to it.
He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at
it. But something strange happened. About five mintues into the deed
he felt something in his mouth.
He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it
was a piece of carrot. "Oh man, that's fuckin nasty!" he thought, but
he said nothing and continued.
Five minutes later he came up with a pea. "Christ! I can't take this
much more. There's something wrong with this bitch."
But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was
a piece of chicken.
He could stand it no longer. "Fuck! I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna
throw up!"
"That's funny," the hooker said, "That's what the last guy did."
ROBBERY
GONE FOUL
Once inside
the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the banks
internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who
expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables,
were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout
the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside
they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's
audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead,
all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the
robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy,
uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST
SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
Q: What's the definition
of a vagina?
A: It's the box
a penis comes in.
THE
TRAFFIC ACCIDENT
A gay couple
is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they
are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side
throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the
truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door
and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm
gonna sue your ass, Buddy!" The truck driver, laughs and says, "Blow
me!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really
big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly
to his lover, "You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"
Get
an Earfull
A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks through the
door and sits next to him.
The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter-galactic
peace, and all.
The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through with the
drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the finger in the
drunk's ear.
The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's
no interstellar war, he says nothing.
The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then orders
another one.
Once he reaches the half-way point in that drink, he again licks his
finger, then puts that finger into the drunk's ear. "Hey, Buddy, how
'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you say?"
Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the alien
licks and sticks once again.
The drunk has forgotten his peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he
can, "Look, asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls
off!"
The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and, you
guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right in the
drunk's ear.
"Goddammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the alien's legs
to carry out his threat.
But there's "nothing there".
The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls, then how
do you screw?"
The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.
Bus-ty
Blonde
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could
cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY
GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
Whatta
Gas
A little girl ask her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"
Mom says, "No because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's
in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog is in heat,
and to come to you."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash
and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on
the leash.
Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."
Great
Idea
This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whore-house.
He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his
coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off in coitus, but
he never notices.
Later the same day an Irish-man purchases the services of the same girl,
and just as he's about to come he notices something fall out of her
fanny.
Picking it up, he reads: "Roth & stein, Tailors."
"Jesus," he says, "where will those Jews advertise next?"
