The
Politics of Fooling Around
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner
of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care
of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny - we'll consider
her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father
in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit."
The
Bigger They Are, The Dumber They Are
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in
the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with
boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers
a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just
saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more
he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
How
To Catch Chicks
There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this house.
On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man says to the
boy, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"
The boy says, "To catch chickens!"
The man says, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on the
wire.
The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his secret. He did not
reveal it.
The next day, the same boy walked by the same man but now with duct
tape. "Where you going with duct tape, boy?"
"To catch ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
"Watch!" says the boy.
A few hours later, he returns with ducks lined along the tape. Again
the old man was amazed and really wanted the secret.
The next day after, the boy walks by again.
The old man says, "Where you going with that stick?"
The boy says, "This ain't no stick, this here is a pussy willow."
The old man says, "Wait here so I can grab my hat and I'll be right
with ya!"
Going
Down French-Style
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre
and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips."What
are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have
red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little,
Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have
white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie
leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and
screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Totally
Obsessed With...
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers
and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even
named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself
in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by
the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
A
Smoke After Sex
The young couple had only been lovers for a few weeks, but the guy was
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after
some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette
after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your
excuse then?"
I
Need A Man Now!
There was a man who had a wife and she had a problem responding to his
desires. This continued for about 6 months.
As frustration was welling up within him he decided to see a doctor
about his wife's lack of attention toward him.
The doctor, being of the wise kind, gave this man a bottle of pills
and said to him, "Now, just before your wife retires give her a cup
of milk and slip a couple of these pills in and before you know it she
will be more than obliging."
So he goes home very excited and when night comes he offers his wife
a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills.
He then says to himself, "Now why should she have all the fun?"
So he pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He
takes both cups to his wife in bed and they talk for a bit and drink
the milk. After a half hour, both fall asleep.
Then, the wife suddenly sits up straight in bed, pounds her husband
and says, "Darling, Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man now!"
The husband sits up straight and shouts, "So do I! So do I!
So
Soft & Squishy
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident
of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,
and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch,
he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there
wasn't", he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor.
I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin.
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you
are screwing a pumpkin?'"
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight
in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?"
The
Big Stretch
Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other
from Texas, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which they are famous - then boasting about
who was the toughest started!
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with
my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas can't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under
a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands
and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm
still here today!"
The Texan (Tex Adam) remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with
his penis.
Royal
Comedy
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by
all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any
shoes.
Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were
a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet
were agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could
think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they
heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional
muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My
God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
