Farts
& Fishin' Poles
A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishin pole.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and ambles on
over to the register. There is a K-Mart "associate" standing there with
dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this here
fishin' pole?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that
it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
Then he said, "Well that there's a 5' graphite composite rod. Has a
Maxor 202 reel with 12 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and
reel and it's yours for just $20 bucks."
"Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping
on the counter. Sounds like what I'm looking for, so I'll take it,"
she says.
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the
woman farts rather loudly... Embarrassed at first, but then realizing
that there is no way in the world he could tell it was she... being
blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "Well ma'am, That'll be $25.50."
She says, "But you said it was $20 bucks?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, that there rod and reel is $20 bucks, sure 'nuff...
and the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is our blue light
special this hour, just $2.50!"
A
Muff In Mourning
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
And we know what that meant.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the
same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he
is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he
has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my condolences"
Hot
Sex or Success?
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the
clouds.
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier
on the eye.
"Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite
attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to
himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next
cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success,"
she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm
pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
A
Useful 8 Inch Tool
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the
functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole
at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes
quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and
drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing
sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces
of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have
ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest,
ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling
climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!
Red
Hot Penis
Unable to find a man, who liked to sunbathe in the nude, Brigitte took
out a personal ad.
For his part, Sylvester didn't like the sun, but he was desperate for
a woman and replied.
Brigitte invited him to her home, and they spent a long day in her fenced
in yard. But by dusk Sylvester realized he'd been out a bit too long:
He was burned from head to toe, especially on his penis.
Sneaking inside, Sylvester went looking for the coldest thing in the
house; all he could find in the refrigerator was a carton of milk and,
pouring some in a glass, dipped his penis in.
Just then, Briggitte strolled in. Seeing Sylvester with his penis in
the milk, she slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's
how you load that thing!"
A
Hairy Foot And A Half
A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night,
when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over
his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"
The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you
to. Now go back upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants.
This sends her running back down to her mother, 'Momma, Momma! It's
terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"
The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife.
You go back upstairs and do what he wants."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks.
She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing.
She goes crying back down the stairs. "Momma, Momma! He's got a foot
and a half!" "You stay here," says the mother. "I'll take care of it."
Cock-A-Doodly-Doo!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd
be worth it.
So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk,
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens
to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll
need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the
farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house,
and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and
the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough,
Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find
Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and
buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I
tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."
