The
Big Meal
A woman asks her
husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit
and coffee to follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade
soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple
pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would
only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
A
Good Profit
A married woman
is having an affair.
Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the
closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on
the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is ", the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" , the little boy asks.
"No Thanks", the man replies.
"I think you do", the little extortionist continues.
"Ok. how much?", the man replies after considering the position he is
in.
"Twenty-five dollars", the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!", the man repeats incredulously, but complies
to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears
a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with
the little boy. "Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is", replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"Ok. How much?", the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars", the boy replies.
Then the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them", replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars", the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I 'am taking you to church
right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness". the father
explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest says, "Don't you start that shit again".
It's
all in a name
There was a farmer
that was waiting by the door with his three daughters for their dates
to pick them up.
The first guy got there and said "Hi. My name's Joe, I'm here to pick
up Flo, and take her to the show."
So the farmer excused them and let them go.
The second guy showed up a few minutes later. The farmer answered the
door and the guy said "Hi. My name's Freddie, I'm here to pick up Betty
and take her out for spaghetti."
The farmer excused them and let them go.
The third, and final, guy showed up and the farmer answered the door.
He said "Hi. My name's Chuck."
And the farmer took out his shotgun and shot him!!!
A guy walks into
a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks.
One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar.
He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks
has to go to the restroom.
The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" he asks the first duck.
"Huey," said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck,
"Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
Then the barman turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about
my fucking day!"
Q: What's the definition
of virginity?
A: A big issue over a little tissue.
