Little Johnny was
sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to
answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one
with your gun, how many would be left?
"None," replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you
are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second
biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you are thinking."
"So let me get
this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home
from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor,
"you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her
lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different
man every day!"
A teacher notices
that Little Wiz at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching
his crotch and not paying attention.
She goes back to find out what's up. Little Wiz is quite embarrassed
and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy.
The teacher tells Little Wiz to go down to the principal's office, to
phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
Little Wiz does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat
and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find Little Wiz sitting at his desk with
his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.
"I did" Little Wiz says.
"She told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and
pick me up from school."
A small tourist
hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95
and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding
night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young
woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the
hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey?
You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh
God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant
his money!!"
This snow plow
driver from North Dakota got married.
He and his new bride prepared for their wedding night. He watched for
a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white
foam in preparation for their lovemaking. She finally announced she
was ready.
The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace he
admired so much.
She replied she did indeed have it, but wondered what in the world he
needed it for at a time like this.
He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied, "Ain't no way
I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains."
Three men die in
a car accident Christmas Eve.
They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven.
Upon entering they are told by Saint Peter that they must present something
"Christmassy" in order to get into heaven.
The first man searches his pockets, and finds some pine needles from
the family's Christmas tree. He is let it.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were
opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of black lace panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter says in a booming voice, "I
fail to see the relevance. How do these represent Christmas?"
To which the third man sheepishly replies, "Oh... They're Carol's."
Mrs. Speidell,
who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting
.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather
screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to
her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
Monica's big mouth
Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States
a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.
During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best
and your worst decision during the Presidency".
Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski!
I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision".
"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.
Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my
best and my worst decision for the same reason." "That's odd.
What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.
Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."
Two guys and a
girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions:
The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE....ya know...Young, Urban Professional."
The second guy says, "I'm a DINK...ya know...Double Income, No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied......"I'm a WIFE...ya
know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
A guy calls his
wife from the emergency room.
He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where
he works. "Oh my God!!" cries the woman.
"The whole finger?" "No," replies the guy. "The one next to it
While vacationing
in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing
paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned
country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass,
quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go
plain wild and crazy!"
A married couple
was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace
looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, You,
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think
you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert
camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
them, being the sex hero he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded
to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years
raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him
on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG
FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
Dean is really into
blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something
absolutely realistic.
The supplier says he has just the thing - 'Life-like Tina' - So realistic
you cannot tell the difference! Dean orders one.
Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how
realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks and decides to blow it up.
Once inflated he gets a rapid hard-on and thinks ... "What the hell!"
and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and posts it out to Dean.
A month later Dean rings up.
Dean: "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll? I cannot tell you
how happy I am."
Supplier: "That's great!"
Dean: 'It was a totally unbelievable experience" Supplier:
'Realistic then?'
Dean: 'So realistic ... I got syphilis.'
The blonde teen-age
girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally
got to meet him when the station held an open house.
When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her
into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said,
grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to
say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."
88 Little Johnny
comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between
boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk
with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,
and closes the door. -
First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... Johnny unbuttons
her blouse and takes it off. -
Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. -
Now take off my bra... which he does. -
And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes
removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes
to school any more!"
A man walked up
to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how
to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again,
she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home
the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with
his gun while his wife answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you
see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"
Bill Clinton dies
and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Judgment. Judgment
tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing
one of the current inhabitants.
Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.
Three doors appear before Clinton.
The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced
to pound big rocks into little rocks.
Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That
looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"
The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile
parts in a large pool of dirty water.
Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so."
The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound
hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.
"Very well," says Judgment. "Monica, you may go."
The seven dwarfs
go to the Vatican and because they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered
in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope. "What can I do
for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your excellency, but are there any
dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a minute
and answers. "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background
a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them
a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the
other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.......
"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
