A white woman walks
into a sex shop and approaches the counter. She asks, "How much for
the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll
take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him,
and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks
"How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white
one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I
think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman
comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white,
$35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the
shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've
never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally,
the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white
dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
A flea had oiled
up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his
blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should
stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what
happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped
up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here
by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give
you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan
oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport,
see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess
comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So
you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while
stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see
but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen,"
said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess
lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect
landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?"
asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's
mustache again."
Darren is shopping
for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's
missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the
spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him
over for dinner to meet her parents.
He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for
him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She
tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We
haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has
to do them."
Darren sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes
are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Darren
decides to have a little fun.
He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her
in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad
is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but
no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does
a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is
a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Darren remembers his motorcycle.
He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table
and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
A young couple are
on their way to Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession
to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because
she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it
is okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she
is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just
like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with
him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind,
and she also believed there are other things far more important than
sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat
as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at
the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got
married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied,
"Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."
SON: Dad, what does
a vagina look like before sex?
FATHER: Well son, a vagina before sex is truly a beautiful thing! It
is the most wonderful thing God ever created. It is more delicate than
a fresh picked rose. It's aroma is more beautiful than the finest of
perfumes. It's feel is that of the softest silk. It's taste is that
of pure nectar.
SON: Wow!!
FATHER: Even the words of the greatest poets fail to do justice to it's
heavenly wonderment. Man would even sacrifice his own soul for just
the mere glimpse of it's pure divinity.
SON: It sounds wonderful, Dad. What do they look like after sex? FATHER:
Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?
VOODOO DICK
There was this
businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get
her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store
that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another
man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind
the counter.
He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do
the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except-" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir,
I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen
what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and
a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back
in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay
there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman The old man resisted, saying it
wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was
gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then
she remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot
to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd
ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital
to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and
she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then
asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking,
but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo
dick, my ass!"
Do you know the difference between man and women?
A man and a women
are driving on a narrow and winding road, separate cars heading in the
same direction. as they pass each other she screams, "PIG" so he yells
"BITCH" they continue along the way but as he turns the corner he hits
a pig.
A mother was working
in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train
in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches
who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get
your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your
train,but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All assengers
who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you.
We thank you
for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you
will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about
the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."
