Nudist
Colony
Bob
joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning
sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that
if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she
then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side
of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man
with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart,
it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench
and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist
greets him; May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining
fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you
only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replied: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a
month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
Little
Mistake
The
southern preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this
to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous *blond* with a body that would not stop,
rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she
spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that
you were a wizard under the sheets.
The
Big One
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks
his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned,
so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple
that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective
surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?", responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's
legs, aren't you?"
Typical
Blonde
A Blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into action.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror she grabs
for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious
to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the blondes foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against
the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from
losing consciousness when, to her great fortune,
the Woolworth's Manager sees her and switches off the horse.
What
Size Condom Do You Need?
A
sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl
at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes
a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO
AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout
#3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple
of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE.
LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to
the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell
any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and
says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE
3."
Cell
Phone Man
This guy was in a bar talking to his hand. The bartender came to him
and said, "I do not want weirdo's in my bar. I might ask you to leave."
The guy said, "I'm talking to my cell phone. I got tired of carrying
my cell phone so I had it imbedded into my hand."
The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial
a number and then talked into his hand. The bartender said, "How cool!"
As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked
up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were still
there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him. The bartender
went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his pants down
to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
The bartender asked, "Are you OK? Who did this to you?"
The guy replied, "I'm OK, just waiting for a fax!"
Teddy
Bears
A
man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end
up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment,
he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds
of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized
ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along
the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection
of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not
to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow
the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Execution
Redneck Style
There
was a German, an Italian and a Texas Redneck on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: was to be shot was
to be hung was to be injected with the AIDS virus.
So the German said,"Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead
instantly).
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards
looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards
did. Now the was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he
doubled over.
So finally the warden said,"What the hell is wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."
Doctor's
Visit
A
man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk,
the receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside
and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear
or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear,
sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!" the man replied.
Never
Too Old For A Tetanus Shot
This old man in his eighty's got up from his chair and was putting on
his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
She said, "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If your going to start using that rusty old thing again,
I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
