A Chinaman arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished,
the Chinaman jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath,
dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinaman jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into
bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they
are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinaman.
A man with a poodle walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks for a
pack of Camels.
The bartender told the man he was sorry, but they had just run out of
cigarettes.
"Don't worry 'bout it" reassured the man "I'll just send my dog across
the street for some."
Going though his pockets, the man realized he only had a $50 note. "Pack
of Camels, pal" he said slipping the money into the dogs mouth "And
I want to see plenty of change".
The dog trotted off out the door. "The dog is something else" said an
admiring customer "Is he really going to bring you back a pack of cigarettes?"
"You bet. My dog can do anything.."
But then his list of his poodles exploits was interrupted by the screech
of tires outside the bar. Turning pale the dogs owner ran outside and
to his relief saw his dog had not been hit. The reason for the cars
sudden stop was very clear though.
Right in the middle of the road his poodle was humping another dog.
"What's going on?" asked the man running up to his dog. "You never did
anything like this before!!!"
Humping away the dog looked up and said "I've never had fifty bucks
before"
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological
issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near
her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping
in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean
my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats.
The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!"
The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15
stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready
for an open casket funeral in two days!!!"
The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had
this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took
me four days just to get the grin off her face."
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness
and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there
was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model
Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves
an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.
" The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem
like forever."
A guy walks into a bar, puts his pet rabbit up on the mahogany, and
starts drinking. While he's drinking, the rabbit starts doing little
rabbit pellets on the bar.
After a while, he leaves, and another guy, a real loudmouth, walks in.
He says, "Hey, barkeep, give me a drink for me, a drink for you, what
do you say, there's nothing to do."
He has a few drinks, and the whole time he's running his mouth, annoying
the bartender. Finally, he spots the rabbit pellets.
He says, "Hey, barkeep, what are these?"
The bartender says, "They're smart pills." The loudmouth says, "Can
I try a few?"
The bartender says, "Knock yourself out."
The guy pops a few in his mouth, chews for a while, then spits them
out and exclaims, "Yuck! These taste like shit!"
The bartender says, "You're getting smarter already."
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She goes back to find out what's up.
He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised
and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his
mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly,
there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his pants
unzipped.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a married couple decides
to spend the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fit see through dress with thin straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and T-shirt.
The Zoo is extremely busy on this particular morning. As they pass past
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl the gorilla goes nuts. He jumps up on the bars, and
holding with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with
the other hand.
He is obviously excited at the lady in the wavy see through dress.
The husband noticing the excitement thinks this is very funny.
He Suggests that his wife tease the gorilla some more.
The husband suggests She pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along.
She does and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would
wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests she let one of her straps fall and show him
a little more skin.
She does and Mr. Gorilla almost tears the bars down with excitement.
"Now try lifting your dress up and sort of fan it at him" he says.
This drives Mr. Gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips in
his cage.
The husband suddenly nabs his wife by the hair, opens the cage door,
slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut !!!
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a
meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping
noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is,
you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing
that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little
overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on
him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your
time."
The mother says, "Why is that, dear?"
The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door
comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake, maintaining a steady
vigil by her side.
As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face,
splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling
Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But
she was insistent.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something
I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake.
"It's alright. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your
best friend and your father." Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked
her hand.
"Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said.
"You do?" she asked.
"Yes, I do. Why do you think I poisoned you, you stupid slut?"
HUSBAND: "Shall we try a different position tonight"? WIFE: "That's
a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'LL
sit on the sofa and fart."
A woman goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist about Viagra.
"Does it really work?" she asks.
"Yes, it does," responds the pharmacist. "I've tried it myself."
"Can you get it over-the-counter?"
"If I take two, I can," he replies.
