One day in the Garden
of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining,
I'll create him in such,a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your
advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's
the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . . . so you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our
little secret . . .you know, woman to woman."
There are 3 nuns
and a mother superior.
The mother superior tells the nuns before they can receive their saint
name, they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so
that they would not have urges to be bad...
After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your
sins?" They all shake their heads yes.
The first 2 nuns are crying, the3rd is giggling.
The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit
child?"
The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I
picked flowers from someone's garden."
The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be all
right." The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter.
The mother superior asks the 2nd one.
Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby."
The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are
forgiven."
The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing.
The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?"
The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter,
"I peed in the Holy water."
A Presbyterian,
a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a cruise.
A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; and they all drowned, and
next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly.
I can't let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved
food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named
Candy!"
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't
look good, Fanny."
The new minister's
wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary
increase to cover the addition to the family.
The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When
the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation
approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset
over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting
one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an
Act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are
Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
After the church
service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to
give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever
had."
A wife invited some
people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would
you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"
This 85 year old
couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest
in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this
was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next
they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week
the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This
is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This
is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This
is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing
down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years
ago.
Three blondes died
and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gate to heaven.
St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter the gates of heaven you
have to tell me what Easter is."
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we all have a big
feast and we're thankful." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to
hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus'
birth and give each other presents." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished
her to hell.
The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is."
St. Peter said, "Ok then, tell me."
She starts, "Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples
when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans
hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb
behind a large boulder."
St. Peter said, "Very good..."
She adds, "Every year the Jews role away the boulder and Jesus comes
out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."
Sister Mary Katherine
lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day,
in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint
o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice
in a whisper now, "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed
the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine...and she was
wasted. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her
arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister
Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's
constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it
is, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit."
During the wedding
rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now
the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part
of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young
man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and
swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She
made me a much better offer."
There were three
men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter met them
and asked, "what would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends
say at your funeral?"
The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor and I would love to
hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone's life
and gave them a second chance."
The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher, I would
like to hear some say what a great husband and father I was and that
I had been made a difference in some young persons life."
The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are really great things but
I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, "LOOK!!!
HE'S MOVING!!!"
Here is the LOST
CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God
asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going
to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when
you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree
with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never
ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She
will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will
freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
A middle aged woman
had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another
43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposution, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since
she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of
it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing
the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 Years?" God replied,"I didn't recognize you."
Two Priests died
at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is
down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back
as Priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first Priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high
above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," said St. Peter, and, "POOF,"
the first Priest is gone.
The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this new action on Earth 'count' on my Heavenly tally?" "No, son, I
told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what
you're doing this time around."
"In that case," says the second Priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud!" "So be it," said St. Peter, and the second Priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter
to recall the two Priests. "Will you have any difficulty locating them?"
He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove
to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord. "Near as I can tell, he's on a snow tire, somewhere
in a North Dakota blizzard."
There once was a
young woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
The Sunday School
teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the
question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body
goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands,Suzie?" Suzie replied, "...because
when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God
just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!," the teacher
said. Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your
legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?" Tommy said, "Well,
I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her
legs straight up in the air and she was going, "O God, I'm coming!",
If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!"
