The
Preachers Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher.
The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very
unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher).
The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!".
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!".
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal
to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!", said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very
proud of his new purchase. The man travelled for a long time through
some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember
the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop", said the man. "Halt!", he
cried.
The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no...'Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!",
shouted the man.
The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer
to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please,
dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this
mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN".
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the
cliff. "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
Quick
Thinking
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing
Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the
Blood."
The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone
was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say
anything.
Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing ........."Precious
Memories".
Bigger
Collection
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection
plates each Sunday.
Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize
the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile,
you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern
and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold
the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want
to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore,
he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain
on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and
springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
Four
Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When
he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."
This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first
three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into
a room, people say, "Oh, my God...."
Charlie
was a regular visitor at the race track.
One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race,
a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave
it a blessing.
Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed
horse came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest
went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played
a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse.
Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won
close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and
the horse won each time. So between races Charlie left the track and
went to the bank to withdraw his life's savings, $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest
and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting
window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win. Then
Charlie went out to watch the horses race.
Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the
horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last! Charlie
was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching
him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day.
Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed?
Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's
savings."
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never
could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."
Crowded
in Heaven
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept
people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair,
so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the
apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony,
we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge
by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting
his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator
and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the
act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony
of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over
the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but
some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer.
Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator
on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
The
Poor Pope
As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before
he dies god has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so
he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole
life.
The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain
conditions are met:
"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform
on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act
I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will
be performing on her body."
The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports back
to God.
Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last
thing."
"What is it," says the Angel.
The Pope whispers "Big tits."
The naughty old
bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em
Heavenly
Welcome
A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept
up to heaven.
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father,
we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven!"
"You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you
are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything
you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin
Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach
the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have
always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I
could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied
every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that
you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have
always, always wondered what it was that made you sad.
Would you please tell me?"
"Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face.
"Well, I was really hoping for a girl."
Vodka
and the Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
He replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip".
So next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take and eat
for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me,"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub- A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
