Twisted
Disney.....
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear
a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very**
satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter - Peter,something or other...."
Stuck
On The Island
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...
until the boat sank!
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks
her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material
that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches;
I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from
a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of
the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools
to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a
few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before
him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue
and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each
step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down
please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about
a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts,
and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going
to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell
necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time.
You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing
for all these months? You know... "
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart
begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I
can actually check my e-mail from here??"
It's
all in the Palm
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop
and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your
love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and
said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of
this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
Wrong
Number
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of
a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to make the call over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck de party."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in ya
know vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys
standing there, who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He asks, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator Twenty-eight two days ago.
But if you would like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone
here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry? You kids and
ya always in da hurry."
He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator Twenty-eight.
Hello, Operator Twenty-eight? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you?
I told ya to take da telephone and shove it in ya know vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready... dey're bringin' it to ya!"
Velly
Sneaky Trouble
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous
Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim, to watch and report any activities that
happen when he was away.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Missed the whole damn thing
Not see.
NO FEE.
A
Good Mystery
A mystery-lover take his place in the theater for opening night, but
his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.
The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery,
and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However,
in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have
to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get
me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to
a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office,
hoping to find some closer tickets.
With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket
at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in
the back of the theater, he whispers, "follow me."
The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out
the empty seat right in the middle.
"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect."
He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler
did it in the parlor with the candlestick."
Drumming
Up Business
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps
on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes.
Each envelope has hearts all over it.
The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess
who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
PMS
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even
know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it
out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But
if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS
LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to
change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH
IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Be
Careful of the Accent.
An Italian, and Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy
"You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said
the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he disappeared and
I coulda no find him."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna
get meself a shovel. Ye left the chinee in chairge of supplies, but
I counna fin' him".
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
looking for the Chinese guy...
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand
and yells... "SUPPLIES!"
How
do ya say NO!
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her
don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade
the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry
you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a
75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says,
"No problem!! I have. I have."
Realising her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man,
"I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation
home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country
in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone
and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman,
nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realising that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows
that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think
and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since
I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
Another
Genie Version
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined
with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the wife cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive.
If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair."
Of course, he tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window
of the biggest house on the course.
The wife cringed, "I warned you to watch out... now we'll have to go
up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to
cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on
in."
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken
antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.
A woman reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke
the window?"
"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the wife said. "She pondered a moment and blurted
out I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem, you've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you,young
man, what do you want?" the genie asked looking at the husband.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world" he said. "Consider it done." the genie said.
"And now," they both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with
a man in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your husband."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the man went upstairs where she ravished him for the rest
of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards,
as the genie rolled over she looked at the husband and asked,"Tell me,
how old are you and your wife?"
"Why, we're both 23" he responded breathlessly.
"No shit! Twenty-three years old and you still believe in genies?"
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