An usher in a very
posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats.
"Sorry, sir," the usher said, "but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if you don't get up from
there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All right buddy,"
the manager said, "what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where did you come from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
Reaching the end
of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer
fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching
retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every
2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
I was in a car dealership
a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing
generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in
back to make a sandwich.
I called a company
and asked to speak to Bob.
The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to
hold?"
The phone rings
at KGB headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of
the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find
no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at
Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
A police officer
in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good
mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
It's the spring
of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up
his date.
When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites
him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop
or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's
dad to repeat it.
"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd
screw all night if we'd let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening
is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED
THE TWIST!!!"
Some
Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on
this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down
next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the
left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm..." the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did
you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off
my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in....Some things you just can't explain."
One night a Delta
twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There
were 5 people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Hillary Clinton,
the Pope, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage
compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.
The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Ladies & Gentlemen, I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news
is we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are
4 parachutes I have one of them."
With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Hey guys" he said "I am
the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think
the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute."
With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled
through the door into the night.
Hillary Clinton rose, said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest woman.
The world needs smart women to lead all you little people, because you
miserable scum do not have the brains to do so. The world's smartest
woman should have a parachute too." She grabbed one, and out she jumped.
The Pope and the hippie looked at one another.
Finally the Pope spoke, "My son, I have lived a satisfying life; have
known the bliss of the True God every day at Mass. You have your life
ahead of you; you take the last parachute; I will go down with the plane"
The hippie smiled slowly and said"; Hey, don't worry, Pope. The world's
smartest woman just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Bubba died in a
fire and was burnt pretty bad & the morgue needed someone to identify
the body.
So his two best friends, Daryl & Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in
and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer
in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gome looked down and said, "No, it
ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went
to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes".
A man went to visit
his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and
bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate,
so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you
those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me
about it anymore".
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he
was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor
started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching,
his grandfather shouted, " Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"
