Sightings
of Wierdness
1: I was at the
airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has
anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said,
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded
knowingly, "That's why we ask."
2: The stoplight
on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind
people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
3: At a good-bye
lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to
"rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should
have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just
looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching
truck.
4: I worked with
an Individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the
life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.
5: (a rare "double
sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He
thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font
they'd take up less room. When he told me, I was with another friend.
She thought it was a good idea too.
6: (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
7: (from Tech Support):
Individual: "Now what do I do?" Tech Support: "What is the prompt on
the screen?" Individual: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'" Tech
Support: "Okay, so type in your last name." Individual: "How do you
spell that?"
8: When my husband
and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were
told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician,
"It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
FOOD
(or Beer) FOR THOUGHT
A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition
of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
This is why
you always feel smarter after a few beers!
Blondes
Strike Back
What do you call
going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it.
What's the real
reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it.
Why are so many
blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call
a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.
What's a brunette's
mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?"
What do brunettes
miss most about a great party? The invitation.
What do you call
a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage
The
Spinster's Will
An elderly spinster
called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see
the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient
time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life,
I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible
for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to
the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you
have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your
will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I
have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when
I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral
that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on
anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued,
"what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before
I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep
with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll
see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request.
After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000,
and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the
service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and
wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while
he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband
didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head
out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County
bury her!"
Frogs
delight
Three women were
out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes..."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever
you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted
to be the most beautiful woman in the world...
The frog warned her, "You do realize this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock
to him.
"The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will only have eyes for me..." So, poof! - she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be 10 times richer than you..."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his, and
what is his is mine..." So, poof!! - she's the richest woman in the
world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack..
Porsche
911 Twin Turbo & Moped
A very self-important
young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available:
a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo.
It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.
That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at
a red light. An old man on a mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old)
pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000."
"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young
man proudly.
The mo-ped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies
the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice
car, all right!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides
to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10
seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the
young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And,
it almost looked like the old man on the mo-ped! "Couldn't be," thinks
the guy.
"How could a mo-ped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows
into the back of his car.
The young man jumps out. It is the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and
the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything
I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your
side mirror, please."
Laundry
Tangle
Walking through
Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,
shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's
Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in
here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind
the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's
Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this
country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was
big blonde Swede.
Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."
Who's
Deaf
A concerned husband
went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she
never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet
from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5
feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea
about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping
some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet
closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks
again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
It's
all in the knack.
At the Construction
Site The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you
put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages
that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding
that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A
Case of Priorities
The husband and
wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart
attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line
up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying
and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come
and help." "The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt.
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
Transferring
the Pain
A Husband and Wife
go to the hospital to deliver their child.
The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will
allow the father to take part or all of the mothers labor pains.
They both agree and the delivery begins.
The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of
the mothers pain.
The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch.
The husband still feels fine, so the doctor puts it up to 30%.
The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%.
The husband tells the doctor to go ahead and put it up to 100%.
The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife
felt virtually no pain at all.
They both go back home with their child, where they find the mailman
dead on their steps!!!
Poor
Old Couple...
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple
who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took
a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully
counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger
the crowd began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple.
All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came
over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal
for the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing
everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something
to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing
everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came
over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the
little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth".
