The difference between
a porcupine and a BMW?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside....
When pulled over
for speeding ask the officer as he walks up to your window and opens
his ticket book "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolman's Ball."
The officer may reply "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."
Then allow a moment of silence and smile while the officer realizes
what he'd said.
Ok, it does work much better for women
A man rushes into
his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things.
I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for
warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house
by noon!"
RANDOM
THOUGHTS
I just got lost
in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
The
Stick did it!
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.
She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came
up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and
I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick
Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.
BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
A man is getting
into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the
doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the
doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and
runs down stairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500.00 to drop that
towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
He admires her for a few seconds, then hands her $500.00 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bath room, her husband calls from the shower, "Who
was that?"
It was Bob, the next door neighbour, "she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500.00 he
owes me?"
Nothing
Changes
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep,
the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth.In the middle
of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry
to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better
idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we are married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME !"
The woman says " GOOD.... Get your own fucking blanket."
Novice
Pirate
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar.
The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"
The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark
came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."
Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got
cut through the bone."
The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"
The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and
it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make
you get an eye patch?"
The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
Man
Eating Bull
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.
So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come
and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
appeared.
Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.
Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait
for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the
sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.
As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning
in pain.
There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the
bull loose?"
