Perl 1, Plain 1.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the
wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the lady yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
You
know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have
you got a cat?"
Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
What
has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
Grouchy
When
I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau
was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead
of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's
okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
What Time is it?
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student
led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?"
one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side
of the wall.
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!
That's Life
The philosophy students moto: "I think, therefore I exist - I think..."
Try
not to have original ideas, it only leads to complications.
Warning:
Dates on calenders are usually closer than they appear!
Remember,
to copy from a book is plagarism. To copy from many is research.
If
you've got the answer... ...you probably didn't understand the question.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The
sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Try
to stay out of debt, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
Don't
take life too seriously, you're not getting out alive anyway!
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate
on the pillow?
I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Would
somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed
except for Seeing Eye Dogs?"
Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why
do people give each other flowers to celebrate various important occasions,
they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart,
let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't
we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every
time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are
doing?
How come you
have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea
behind the wheel?
Don't they rotate on their own?
Did
you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the
person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled
to move up too?
Do we really
think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought
we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for
coffee and a Danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows?
How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't
wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Did
you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders,
kiddies seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you
see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully
hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
Why?
How
is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why
is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
Did
You Know?
When
under extreme stress, such as when held in captivity, some octopuses
will eat their own arms, which grow back.
A female mouse may spawn as many as ten litters of eight to ten young
during her lifetime - which is generally less than a year. The gestation
period is three weeks, and the young mice reach maturity in only ten
weeks.
Q & A's
Q: Why did the tomato start blushing?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because it had no guts!
There are 2 flies in the kitchen, which one is the cowboy?
The one on the range.
Q) What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
A) Dam
Q)
What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A) One kisses the Mrs and the other misses the kisses
Q.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a jewish wife
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Q.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has
the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they get vapor-lock.
Q.
The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q.
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q.
Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
The
Kiss Me Frog
There
was a young man driving his car, when suddenly he saw a little frog
sitting beside him.
The frog began saying to the man "Kiss me, kiss me"! But the man didn't
want to kiss a frog..
The little creature kept saying to the man "Kiss me, kiss me"
" So at last, he accepted and kissed the frog. And guess what the
frog turned into??
A very beautiful lady. Now, the man began saying to the lady "Kiss me,
kiss me"... but the lady didn't want to kiss the man.
At last she
accepted and kissed the man...And guess what the man turned into??
The next motel
The
Little Pimple
A
very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size
28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much
the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become
disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk,
she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything
for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
