Quick
Cure
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness.
The Pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor, inviting him to take a seat
as she prepared a kettle of tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water. In the water
was a surprise!! Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had succumbed
to dotage.
He couldn't possibly question the bizarre object in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and crumpets, they commenced chatting.
The Pastor tried hard to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but presently it got the better of him; he
could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he motioned toward the bowl. "I can't help but wonder what
is the significance of this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
last fall and I found this little package. It instructed me to put its
contents on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And
you know, I think it's working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Betting
a Ball
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag
of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open
a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his
desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,
so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side
to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was
sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that
he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer
to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she
could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Silver
Hair
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for
Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify
his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet
at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left
his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he askes,
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and
she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified
for disability, too."
Old
Friends
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are
from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with
a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
Just
Wondered
Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed
noticed something funny about Joe's ear.
He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it.
Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is."
25
Signs that Your Getting OLD
1. You're asleep,
but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes
out more than you do.
3. You quit trying
to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy
a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud
of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend
is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are
almost too short to read the newspaper. 8. You sing along with the elevator
music.
9. You would rather
go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing
about other people's operations.
11. You no longer
think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call
at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a
question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money
to PBS.
15. The end of your
tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal
detector to the beach.
17. You know what
the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember
the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are
hairier than your head.
20. You talk about
"good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into
a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable
for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling
without drinking.
24. You have a party
and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send
you this list.
