50/50
Check-up
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began
muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?"
"No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have
to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the
thinking?"
BEARLY
POSSIBLE
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked
him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've
got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What
do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then
said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and
he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor
continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared
in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the
old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in
front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone
else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at,"
replied the doctor.
Hearing
Problems
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number
of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
My grandmother
started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Fighting
Fit
Grandpa was celebrating
his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and
well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of
my success," he cackled.
"I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his
rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding
night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who
was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
The
Old Fart & The Vixen
An elderly man married a girl in her early twenties.
The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon.
The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program after they went
to bed that night.
The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for
a while.
A couple of hours later she was really horny, so she decided that this
had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let
him be the one in charge.
She woke the old fellow up. "What's the matter," he asked.
She purred, "This side of the bed is to hard, I want to lay on your
side."
The old fart scratched his head, got up and walked around the bed.
He then got in on her side and went to sleep.
A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things.
She was just so hot, so she awoke him again.
"What now?" he asked.
She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable
let me lie on that side."
Again he got up walked around, got in, and went to sleep. By this time,
she was really ready to make hard, passionate, sex. She really didn't
care at this point how it would appear to him.
She awoke him again and said, "No, I was wrong your side is more comfortable.
Instead of getting up, why don't you just crawl over me and I will scoot
across the bed?"
He started over and she stopped him right on top and held him. "Now,
do you know what I really want?", she asked, holding him tightly while
squirming a bit underneath his old body.
He replied, "Yeah! You want the whole damned bed! Well, you aren't going
to get it!"
Hot
to Trot
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
He agreed, so the two old folks stripped to the buff and sat back down
at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"
"I'm not surprised," grinned Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's
in your oatmeal!!!"
GRANNY
LEADFOOT
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two
in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly
... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
119."
Your
Wrong Doc
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that
doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he
gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with
any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain
in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about
it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That
can't be!"
The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know
so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree
to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After
all my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"
"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
Smoking
is a Health Hazard
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having
a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and continued smoking.
Sunny: What's that?
Tina: A condom.
Sunny: Where'd you get it?
Tina: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to
the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties),
but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Quick
Cure
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness.
The Pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor, inviting him to take a seat
as she prepared a kettle of tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water. In the water
was a surprise!! Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had succumbed
to dotage.
He couldn't possibly question the bizarre object in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and crumpets, they commenced chatting.
The Pastor tried hard to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but presently it got the better of him; he
could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he motioned toward the bowl. "I can't help but wonder what
is the significance of this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
last fall and I found this little package. It instructed me to put its
contents on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And
you know, I think it's working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Betting
a Ball
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag
of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open
a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his
desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,
so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side
to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was
sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that
he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer
to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she
could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Silver
Hair
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for
Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify
his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet
at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left
his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he askes,
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and
she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified
for disability, too."
Old
Friends
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are
from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with
a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
Two elderly men
were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something
funny about Joe's ear.
He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it.
Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where
my hearing aid is."
25
Signs that Your Getting OLD
1. You're asleep,
but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes
out more than you do.
3. You quit trying
to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy
a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud
of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend
is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are
almost too short to read the newspaper. 8. You sing along with the elevator
music.
9. You would rather
go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing
about other people's operations.
11. You no longer
think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call
at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a
question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money
to PBS.
15. The end of your
tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal
detector to the beach.
17. You know what
the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember
the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are
hairier than your head.
20. You talk about
"good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into
a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable
for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling
without drinking.
24. You have a party
and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send
you this list.
