Golf
- Occupational Hazard
A guy out on the
golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in
agony, he falls to the ground. He finally is able to get himself up
and go to the doctor.
He says to the doctor, "how BAD is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon
next week and my fiancé is STILL a virgin in every way."
The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and to keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."
So, the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work
of art!!
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They get married and
on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse
to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the FIRST time he had
ever seen them.
She says - "you are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
Not to be outdone, he pulls down his pants, whips it out and says to
her, "and look at this, it's still in the original crate."
Maybe
he Shoved It.
A doctor walked into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of
his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great...some asshole's got my pen."
The
Other Cheek
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from,and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all,this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All
her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Shit-Faced
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These
two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since
the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment
to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you
the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire".
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled
at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple
of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling,
bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still
have fifteen minutes, would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it
again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure! But this time YOU hold the pigeon
down and I'LL shit on it's head!"
Sam
Meets Leon
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick
of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota
as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing
dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded man standing there.
"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party
Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks.
Thank you." As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna
be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin'too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"
Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna
be the two of us."
The
Classified Love Solution
Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local
newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the
'Lonely Hearts' column. "Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge
a minimum of $1 per insertion." "You don't say," said the spinster "Well
then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"
Q: What was the
First Commandment?
A: "Adam, eat my pussy."
Q: What do a clitoris,
an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
Bottle
Opener
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from
the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
he said to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second
room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two botles of beer. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open
those beers first."
Safe
Debt
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska.
Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You
owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the
amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it
until it's paid."
Saving
for a Rainy Day
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon
a young boy who was masturbating.
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should
be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in
his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught
me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave
then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving
it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup
truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with
it?"
Wrong
Job Description
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,"Are
you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch,
herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I
am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as
I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch
TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that
I'm a lesbian."
