Artifical
Inselection
The
Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their
family.
On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said,
"I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to.........
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies."
"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope I can get this over quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" , Mrs. Smith Exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with".
"She was difficult?" ask Mrs. Smith.
Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling at my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, ah,
ah, .......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work".
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
" Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
"Madam? Madam?......Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
A
man's man.
Long
ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo.
He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship
and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing
the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships.
The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished
the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call
for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will
not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a
man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one,
not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.
The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and
waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against
his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted:
"Get me my brown pants."
The
Big Jump
A
doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon
flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts
of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that
they had better jump, and then he bailed out. Unfortunately, there were
only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must
live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people
in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a
long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of
you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not
to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with
my back pack."
Occupational
Hazard
Used to work in an
orange juice factory, until I got canned.
Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate.
You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
The
Long Wait
John and
Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.
"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.
So he waits.
They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around.
On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I
have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time
to be all bloody!"
John says, "You're kidding!"
Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."
Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way
back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.
"There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep."
"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close
my eyes!"
Birds
Little Johnny: "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies? "
Mother: "Why, a stork, little Johnny."
Little Johnny: "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"
Mother: "A raven, dear."
Little Johnny: "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
"
Mother: "A swallow!"
Who's
Smart?
A businessman was
talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow
bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll
ever meet. Here, I'll show you." "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the
barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy
he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the
dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's
hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him
why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the
game is over."
The
Gay Stud
A farmer
goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,"Ok, old
fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens,
look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner?"
The young rooster says,"Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking
over."
The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man,
so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!", and the old rooster takes off
running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round
the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap
He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the
roosters running by.
He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Dang it,.....third gay rooster I
bought this month."
Language
Problem
A Polish
couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came
to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese
baby boy, and they took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The Polish couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and
in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand
him."
Another
Language Problem
It
was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast
in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness,
it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and
took seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink."Ya
know," Helga said, "it is so hodt I tink I'll have myself zee coldt
beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker
Thought
For The Day:
Behind every
great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy
staring at her ass!
What's
a Pecker here or there?
An Alaskan
woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which
state had the toughest trees to peck.
The Alaska woodpecker said they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck.
The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the
tree with no problem.
The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.
The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree
in Texas no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully.
The Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it.
After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the
two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able
to peck the Alaska tree and the Alaska woodpecker was able to peck the
Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
Malpractice
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed,
the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to
help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened
his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked
him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell!"
Their
Big in Texas
A Texan
went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman
if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas
and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they grow them really big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?" "Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They grow them really big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They grow them really big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?" "Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They grow them really big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do
for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that'll be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted
out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"
Eh!
Whatcha Say?
An
old man and his wife go to the doctor's office.
The old man is hard of hearing.
The doctor tells the old man that he needs a urine sample, a stool sample
and a sperm sample.
The old man looks at his wife and says, "What did he say?"
The wife says, "He wants your underwear!"
Jumping
Jollies
A young man joined
the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump
from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So,
did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen
men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at
a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last
man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to
jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm
too scared.'
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I
swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball
bat!
He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little
baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little at first."
Velly Solly Old Girl
An American
soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks
of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle
aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise
the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch
out of the window."
Deep
Thought:
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
