Four surgeons were
taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
The patient's family
gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look
good.
The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure.
It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and
you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000.
For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the
men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference
in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains
have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
A veterinarian was
feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor took an extensive
medical history and then inquired about her symptoms and complaints.
She interrupted him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients
all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly
added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded and said, "Okay, I'll take your challenge."
The doctor quickly performed a physical exam, being careful not to ask
any questions.
He then picked up a pad, wrote a prescription and handed it to her.
"There you are. Take these pills four times a day for ten days. If this
doesn't work, come back, and we'll put to sleep."
A man rushed into
the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to
be a little patient."
A man goes to the
doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when
I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch
my stomach it hurts.
Do I have some rare disease?"
"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."
A woman goes to
the doctor complaining of bad knee pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her,
"There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can
you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well,"
she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV, there aren't," she replied.
A doctor was having
an affair with his nurse.
Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting
his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her
to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard
in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will
explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the
postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack - and died. So the wife
picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
- two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
A young lady in
the maternity ward just prior to going into the delivery room is asked
by the doctor if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have husband," she replies.
"O.K., do you have a boyfriend?" asks the doctor.
"No - no boyfriend either. I'm unattached and I'll be having my baby
on my own."
After the birth the doctor says to the young woman. "You have a healthy
bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck a year or so back,
with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porno movie,
and the leading man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the doctor, "that's really none of my business
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed the
money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie - what
else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the doctor repeats, "and I hate to pry further but
your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there
was also a little Chinese man in the movie I really had no choice."
At this the doctor proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. the
baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well, thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the doctor, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
that it was going to bark!"
