An Irishman walks
into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the
back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes
them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat
after you draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and
one for meself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes
in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine,"
He explains,"it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church
and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."
"My god! What happened
to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one
arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep
said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord,...
didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
Three dead bodies
turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The
coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.
A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand
pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile."
Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30,
struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken", replies the coroner?
A Englishman, a
Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub .
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed
in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
An Irishman's been
at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to
leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home
and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed
he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
