At
long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide
with her and OUR aging gracefully.
These are a bit
more realistic...
1. Bifocals
Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames
in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions
of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot
Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial
Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby
Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too muumuus with
tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion
Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with
the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles
Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with
a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer
Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white
and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life
Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard
to Do."
9. Divorced
Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's
car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery
Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little
copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal
Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets
where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken
sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels.
Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting
In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
