Barbie's
Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll,
I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present,
wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel
at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's pay
back time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around
to smell it.
These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like
a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like
to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him,
bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump
of a boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms
that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once
he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint
of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece
of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel,
I think these demands are reasonable.
If you don't
like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's
that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Ken's
Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
It has come to my
attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like
to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie,
as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES
NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years.
That bitch has everything.
Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses,
Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have
the ability to change our hairstyle.
I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but
never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring
was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and
reflects my lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty
Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken."
Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator
Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more
accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that
have been under served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you
are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while
the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in
legal action to be taken by myself and others.
And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's mine,
at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
