Bruce is driving
over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he sees his girlfriend
Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far
below.
Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What the hell do you
think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce - You
got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this and says "Sheila,
not only are you a great root, but you're a real sport."
A lion in the zoo
sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "That doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him
through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he
licking his arse?"
And the zoo keeper says, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out
of his mouth!"
Guy out in the sticks
comes across a girl swinging on the farm gate.
"Do ya root?" He asks.
"No" says the shelia, "but you're such a silver tongued bastard, you've
talked me into it."
Everybody on earth
dies and goes to heaven.
God comes
and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that
dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were
dominated by their women. Also, I want all you Sheilas to go with St.
Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone
and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only
one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look
at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from
him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this
line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, me missus told me to stand here."
A man went to a
Costume Party with nothing but a young woman on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all
you've got is that young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong, mate," the fellow replied. "That's Michelle".
A sailor came home
from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new
born baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it me bloody mate Jock?" he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it me cobber Jerry then?" he asked.
"NO!!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of me bastard mates did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
I was dancing with
this shelia, I had my shiny new gumboots on, I could look at the top
of me gummies and see her knickers.
I said, "Oooo you've got red knickers on."
I danced with another shelia, I said, "You've got yellow knickers on."
I danced with the third bird, she said, "You can't see my knickers,
I haven't got any on!"
I said, "Thank Christ for that, I thought I'd ripped me gumboots!"
I danced with one
bird and I said to her, "What's your name love?" She said, "My name's
Rose, I always wear Rose."
I danced with another one, "What's your name dear?" She said, "My name's
Violet, I always wear Violet."
I danced with this big, fat smelly shelia, I said, "oooooer, don't tell
me.... your name's Fanny!"
Speaking of Fanny,
no not that kind, I met this bird, I said, "What's your name?"
She said, "It's Franny, fanny with an R, Franny."
I said, "I'd like to take you out again tomorrow night."
She said, "Okay, but don't forget my name, Fanny with an R, Franny."
All the next day I'm going, 'Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R, FRANNY,
Fanny with an R."
I rang her up next night, she said, "Remember my name?" I said, Yep....
CRUNT!"
There was a young
bloke from Kent
Who's dick was so long that it bent
To get over the trouble,
he folded it double
And instead of coming, he went!
My mate asked me
how I got these two black eyes, so I told him; I was in church last
Sunday, when we got up to sing, the woman in front of me had her dress
caught in the back of her knickers.
So I leaned over and pulled it out for her.
She didn't like it and boffed me one.
That night I went back to church again.
Same thing, here's this bird with her dress caught up in her knickers.
'Sod that' I thought, I'm not going to pull it out.
The bloke next to me did, leaned over and pulled it out.
Well.... I knew she didn't like that.... so I leaned over and TUCKED
IT BACK IN!!
This Kiwi got shipwrecked,
ended up on a desert island, just him, a sheep and a dog.
After a few weeks the sheep started looking pretty good. He thought
he wouldn't mind giving her a bit.
Well he was a Kiwi. Anyway, every time he tried to have it off with
the sheep, the dog would nip his bum, really hassle him, he was getting
so frustrated.
One day a gorgeous woman gets shipwrecked on the same island. After
a week she came along to him and said, "If there's anything I can do
for you, you just ask, after all, there's only you and me here, we both
have our needs."
The Kiwi thought about this for a while and then said, "Yup, thank's
a mullyun, what about taking the bloody dog for a long walk so I can
bonk this sheep in peace!"
My dog was just
sitting in the middle of the lounge, licking his wanger, I couldn't
believe it, I said to my wife, "I wish I could do that."
And she said, "Well he's pretty placid, if you give him a biscuit he'll
probably let you!"
"Mummy you wouldn't
read about it, I've got the biggest donger in our primary school."
"Yes son, but do remember.... you ARE the HEADMASTER!"
Did you know that
10% of road accidents are caused by drunk drivers?
Does that mean that the other 90% of accidents are caused by sober drivers?
Confusing.
I said to this
Sheila the other day, "Oooo that's nice perfume you've got on, what's
it called?" She said, "It's called 'come to me'." I said, "Is that right,
it doesn't smell like cum to me!"
